Damn it.

Until when exactly will all these continue? Why does shit has to happen again when i thought everything's getting better. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME??? AND WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP ALL THESE?!? And every now and then, i wish me dead. You know why? CUZ OF YOU PEOPLE!!! AARRGGGHHHH!!!! T_____T

"Sooner or later, I'll be gone. For good."

You're everything i ever wanted :)

ANDDD i can't sleep again. These restless nights are so killing me ): So i guess i'm just gonna blog.

Just a brief update. Well Baby came on Saturday night and he reached here at about 10.30pm. We went for supper and he checked into YMCA after sending me home. On Sunday morning, i went to wake him up at 7.20am., waited for him to get ready, took away McD, ate in the car and went for Sunday service. While we were having praise and worship, it surprised me that he was actually being attentive to the lyrics of the hymns we sang and he even tried joining in. And then in the car he told me that somehow he felt peaceful and he wanted to follow me to church again. Do i hear 'AMEN'? ;) I was smiling. I was thanking God. Because i'm so sure that it's cuz He has touched his heart and i'm not gonna give up. I'm gonna help him to get to know how amazing our God is :)

Every second that i've spent with him, i can feel his love for me. He gave me love i've never felt before. Really. And i'm gonna do my best to love him so much more than his exes did. I promise.

"Baby, believe me. I'm gonna bring you joy everyday."

I don't get what life's tryna tell me.

Last night was my most miserable night ever. It only became so much better because my boyfriend, my best friend and her boyfriend came over to check on me, to see if i was alright, to cheer me up. Gan and Ken came to my place all the way from Kampar while Mun Yoong, from KL. They came at about 2am and stayed til 5am. Thank you so much you guys =')

It all started when last night, i began checking some information about something online and found out that the symptoms all matched. It wasn't a good thing obviously. And as if i wasn't stress enough, this had to happen. I began crying. I sat in the corner of my room, feeling so afraid. So afraid of everything. I hate myself. I feel worthless. And i bit myself. I cried for hours in the room that Gan and Baby got so worried about me. Me feeling like that, acting like that, wasn't the first time. Only thing is last night was worse. I hurt myself. I cry easily these days. I feel so afraid all the time. I feel restless. Self-loathing. And so much more negative shite. And guess where all these lead to? Depression. First, i've got anxiety attack. Now, the probability of getting depression isn't that low either.

I do not understand what's going on. Where can i search the old me? The happy-go-lucky me? I don't know what's wrong...really...

"Life's a game. And looks like I'm losing."

So what if...

What if i pack my bags and leave now? What if i argue back? And what if i cry right in front of them each time they nag? Initially i didn't believe what the doctor's said about me being too stress and pressured hence the rapid heartbeat and chest tightening moments. But now that i'm getting better, i believe the doctor. Because each time my parents nag me, and whether or not i talk back, i feel my chest tighten again and before i knew it i'll be gasping for air, feeling my fingers go numb. I don't get the drill with parents. Why can't they just talk to us nicely instead of the nagging tone?? They always say why do they have to tolerate us and not the other way round? Well i guess it's the way they talk. They don't talk. They NAG. And then it just gets so damn annoying. WHY NAG? Do you think when you both nag, i'll take in your advises? NO! THE ONLY DAMN THING I FEEL IS DISGUST! ANNOYANCE! ARRGGGHHH!!!

P.S.- DO NOT TRY TO ADVISE ME WITH THE SAME OLD THING LIKE "CHEER UP, IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, YADA YADA..." SIMPLY AGREE OR LEAVE.

"Someday...i'll be leaving...for good."

Help me understand. Please?

He was in a bad mood 2days ago and yesterday. I thought i could be there for him cuz it's just me. I'm the kinda person who hates to be alone when i'm moody. But because he's totally the opposite, i couldn't understand. He wanted to be alone. And there i was, texting and calling him. I was close to feeling annoying. ME, being annoying, bugging him like that. It was cuz i've been really stressful these days. There're so many shit holes that i need to cover. I feel like i'm gonna have an emotional breakdown very soon ):

I was feeling really, really down last night. I wanted to get outta home so i went out alone to Starbucks. And trust me, driving alone in a thunderous mood like that is pretty scary. Tears welled up. But that was all. i couldn't cry. Music was at the loudest. I so wanted to scream my lungs out and cry with all my might til i dehydrate maybe =.= Suddenly some crazy woman who drives a red kancil with a 'P' shot outta nowhere in front of me. IT WAS A BLARDY 3 LANE ROAD AND SHE COULD FLEW FROM ONE END TO THE OTHER. AWESOME PIECE OF SHITTY DRIVING. If it wasn't the huge ass volvo, with the ABS brake i was driving, i would've bang into her real hard. I managed to stop just in time, leaving merely a couple of inches between our cars. AND HECK, WHEN I HONKED AT HER, SHE WAS SMILING, WITH THE TEETH SHOWN, EAR TO EAR. WTF! I was on the verge of showing her my chubby lil middle finger. But instead all i did was shot her a murderous glare and mouthed 'Fuck You'.

When i reached Ipoh Parade, while waiting for my brother to finish working, i sat down at Starbucks, alone, thinking alotta stuff, tryna relax and all. Then i just grabbed my phone and called Zhi Wai (since he was working there). Good thing he hasn't leave yet so he accompanied me at Starbucks til 10.30p.m. Thank you Zhi Wai! :D

I felt much better when i reached home. And even better when i suddenly received a text from him asking if i was out. But then after a few texts, when we were talking on the phone, things went wrong again. He was still moody, i can tell. So after hanging up, i switched off my phone and forced myself to sleep. I was feeling so shitty, miserable and...shitty ='(

My alarm rang at 8.30 this morning and i was supposed to wake him up. But i didn't of course. Then at 9.40am, when i switch on my phone again, i got 5 messages from him, apologizing. So made my day. HEHE :p Good thing i'm not the emo-for-ages type. So yeah. We're so alright now. Weeee~ ♥ ♥ ♥

"Everything is wrong when you're not happy."